"You look tired" is a faux pas

“You look tired,” I said to a neighbor without thinking. A friend who heard the comment considered it rude. If my neighbor actually wasn’t tired, I’d told her she looked bad.

How fraught remarks about appearance are! Even “You look great” might be interpreted as “You look a lot better than usual.”

People take things differently. I’ve taken “You look tired” as well-meant concern that I was overworked, anxious, or not sleeping well, but the observer might just have been noticing the dark circles under my eyes.

We have all heard not to congratulate a woman on a pregnancy lest the stomach bump is weight gain. But weight loss is tricky, too. The person may have been sick. Even if she had been dieting, remarking on the weight loss calls attention to how she looked before.

Maybe it’s inadvisable to remark about someone’s appearance even if you’re paying a compliment.

It’s automatic, though, for me to notice a haircut or a new item of clothing. I feel unobservant and inconsiderate if I don’t mention an obvious change, like letting hair go gray.

Do men have qualms about commenting on one another’s clothing and hair? I doubt most men would say, “Nice haircut,” if they even notice. Maybe in the gym they comment about impressive biceps.

Nowadays it’s impolitic for a man to compliment a woman’s appearance unless they’re romantically involved. It also goes the other way. I don’t remember the last time I said to a man, “You look nice” or “I like that shirt.”

Appearance comments, it seems to me, are mostly a female-to-female thing. We’re so conditioned to be appearance conscious. A few months ago I wrote a post that suggested that women could deemphasize appearance by, among other things, complimenting one another on our achievements instead of our looks. I haven’t been able to follow that advice. “You look good” pops out of my mouth spontaneously. Noticing a new outfit or hairstyle doesn’t seem like a sin to me, except that it reinforces our preoccupation with looks.

Since I doubt that I can change, I’ve been reading advice about how to remark about appearance inoffensively. Some tips: 

• When noticing an article of clothing, compliment the clothing instead of how it makes the body look. For example, you might say, “That’s a nice fabric” or “I like that color.” Don’t say, “Those pants make you look slim.”

• Comments like “You’re brave to go gray” imply that gray hair hasn’t improved her appearance. A simple “I like your hair” might be enough.

• You might tell a successful dieter, “I really admire the determination and hard work it took,” instead of “You look great.”

• Don’t read a psychological state (i.e., ‘You look sad,” “You look anxious,” “You look tired”) into how someone looks.

• Avoid mentioning height, in case the person thinks she’s too tall or too short.

Most of us don’t intentionally say something offensive. We do it because we’re not aware or not thinking. The best policy is to think before speaking. It’s useful for more than appearance.