When an ex-spouse dies

Last week I found out that my ex-husband had died. My first reaction was shock. He was only 76. I’m still processing my other feelings. 

Writing, as usual, helps. I’ll try to leave acrimony for my journal, but this won’t be a eulogy. Tom and I wouldn’t have divorced if we’d had a healthy relationship.

Some divorcees may recall good memories and grieve a departed ex. Those who maintained a friendship mourn a buddy. For exes with children, a new partnership might have developed. On the other hand, if the relationship was abusive, the survivor may feel relieved.

I don’t have many good memories. I knew the marriage was a mistake almost from the start. It lasted only four years and ended 46 years ago. Yet I am grieving — for the person I was beforehand. “What happened to you?,” a college friend wondered. “You’ve become a different person.” I never regained my former confident, optimistic self.

The last time I saw Tom was about 25 years ago when he asked to get together without explaining why. A few days later he sent a note reporting that he and his second wife had separated. I asked not what he wanted from me but not to contact me anymore. 

I didn’t wish Tom ill, but I’m more rattled than sad. Too many memories have been stirred up to be indifferent to his passing. Even though I’d requested no contact, I wish that we’d had a chance to reconcile when he knew he was dying (he was in hospice, the obituary said). But maybe I wasn’t on his mind, as he hadn’t been on mine until I heard he’d died. 

I suppose there’s comfort in knowing that the person who witnessed the lowest point of my life is no longer around to tell tales. But whom would he tell? We had no friends in common. I found out about Tom’s death from a woman in my building who knew him. I looked for an obituary and found it unsettling to read tributes describing a different person from the one I had lived with.

The reactions to an ex-spouse’s passing are confusing. I’m not going to force myself to figure them out. I’ll let them come up as they will and maybe get the closure that apparently I hadn’t attained.